Just Give Up!

I want to apologize to the handful of people who read my first blog posting and sat around by their computers day and night in anticipation of the next post. It’s been awhile to say the least, and I promise to fire a few more before I leave on June 15th. 

A few weeks ago, I traveled to Roach, Missouri, for an InterVarsity conference that was designed to prepare students for the next year on campus and performing campus ministry outreach. For me, it was more of a week of introspection. Throughout the week, I learned different spiritual disciplines and practiced being “quiet” and listening to God. For me, this was somewhat difficult. For those that know how I love to talk, it was tough to realize that being quiet didn’t mean that I should keep talking and praying, as long as I whispered. It also didn’t mean that I should pray a bunch, try to hear an audible voice of God (which I assume sounds a lot like Morgan Freeman) for a minute, and continue on my wish list to God. What I instead found was that truly listening and being still in God’s presence meant shutting out my hectic and get-things-done lifestyle for awhile. Was it awkward, uncomfortable, and frustrating? Yes, yes, and yes. Growing up, I just assumed if God needed to tell me something, He would put it on a scrolling billboard on the side of the road; I hardly considered it possible to “hear” from Him. When I kept myself quiet for longer than a few seconds, however, I began to realize that I had something important to learn. The lesson indirectly related to my trip to Cairo. What I found was that as I got quieter, God didn’t necessarily get louder—but He did get my attention.

To be honest, I’m kind of scared for this mission trip. I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing, or how I will be used. In a certain way, I don’t believe that I can be used—I have tons of faults and am certainly no Mother Theresa! If I struggle to wake up for my 10 AM classes sometimes and forget to do laundry, how am I supposed to bless people in poverty-stricken parts of Cairo? Within that fear, God spoke to me in the silence. No, not with the Morgan Freeman “This is God” voice, but in a quiet, reassuring feeling of love. For me, the insecurities I have about myself can block out any belief that God can do good through me. It was almost as if He was saying: I love you—not for who you aren’t, but for who you are—My child, who I made and love. In other words, I have no clue what I will do, who I will bless, or what I will learn in Cairo, but what I do know is that God will be with me—His love, strength, and grace to cover my weaknesses.

So, yeah, I wait way too long to do my laundry, I’m judgmental at times, and instead of running to God in tough times, I tend to freak out. The crazy thing about this is that God says to me (and everyone): I’ll take you—all of it. The good parts, the bad parts, and the parts that you have no clue what to do with. Let me deal with that. Just let me have you.

That is my prayer for this trip. I pray that I may surrender what I think is needed to make this trip “successful” and instead allow God to do what He needs to do.